there is a quote i memorized over a decade ago. it is by the french mystic and philosopher, simone weil. it goes like this: "even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the soul."

today is one of those flooding days for me. years and years of work ~ i feel i have been working since i was born ~ today are spontaneously sprouting, blooming. it is unexpected entirely. intellectual curiosity and study, meditation, emotional probing and self examination, rubbing up against others, seeking advice, trying this on and that on and taking this off and that off, attempts and failures and failures and attempts again trying to figure out this thing, life, me. what am i to be and how am i to be it? and it has been so hard {and so wonderful, too, but so hard}. it is work. feeling as though i will never understand, never get it, you know? and yet i move forward anyway ~ sometimes quietly, sometimes flailing. i continue my efforts of attention because i trust in these efforts, that they leading me in their exact right way.

today the seeking has stopped. there is no effort at all. everything is still. i am not ambitious or questioning. i am only here, just here. this moment is soft and i am held.

but i know this moment cannot be held. i have learned many times that no experience ~ perfect or otherwise ~ can be contained.

but i have also learned that time mimics movement. rush through life at a rapid pace and time will do the same. time will race and one day you will stop and wonder, "where did my life go?" move slowly, though, and time follows suit. while i cannot hold onto this blissful moment, i can slow it down, witness it entirely.

and so i do. i walk thirty minutes to the grocery store feeling every foot strike, every arch collapse and rebound. i feel my legs strong to carry me, my lungs able and eager. i feel the air on my skin, the shift in temperature as clouds drift to and from the sun. i think of my incredible female friends, their beauty and wisdom and honesty and courage and i cry knowing that they are mine and i am theirs. i think of the men i have loved and how they have opened me and broken me and even though our love has not resulted in "til death do us part," today i feel them with me, in me and i know for certain that i am with them, in them forever, beyond death even perhaps. i think of my small family ~ my mother, my grandmother, my aunt ~ and how we are all still alive walking around this planet and i know this will not always be. i think of my work, my art, my apartment. i feel a boundless emotion that makes "gratitude" seem quaint, a diminutive expression. i smell the flowers. i pay attention. i buy salmon and chocolate. i walk home.