I turned forty-five.

Gray hairs boldly grow betwixt the blonde. Coarse. In a direction of their own. Gray hairs don’t apologize.

I am forty-five. The mirror confirms it.

I am not the first woman to be shocked by her reflection. The changes happen so suddenly.

I am not the first woman to yearn for smoothness and effortlessness and tautness. Nor will I be the last.

But I will not avoid my reflection. Instead, I will linger. And I will let nature have her way with me, mostly.

Because I am most proud of myself for being willing to look at life squarely. Willing to attempt–again and again–to see clearer. Willing to feel confusion and grief and anger and longing and joy and awe and terror and ecstasy. Willing to feel. To learn. To see.

In my youth, I disregarded beauty. I thought it frivolous. Now I understand that what I actually believed was that I, myself, was not worthy of beauty. I didn’t linger in the mirror. I believed myself too unworthy.

Now, at forty-five, I try not to judge myself as one thing or another. Instead when I look in the mirror, I attempt to recognize the person, the human, the soul, looking back at me.

These days, I crave beauty at every turn. Not the sort of photo filters and laser peels, but the beauty of epic films and aching songs and dewy fresh cut flowers and silk dresses and the most exotic perfume you’ve ever smelled and the most pleasurable touch you’ve ever felt and the most flavorful bite you’ve ever taken.

I crave beauty.

And at forty-five, I allow it.

Happy Birthday to me.

don’t forget

the way the moon announces herself:

a soft curve inside the infinite dark

and then,

she grows

I move at the speed of twinkle lights.

The flashlight in your blanket fort.
I tried to be a laser
– certain, directed, hot.
Now I dapple leaves,
shadow puppets
on a breeze.
Blue sky.
Dance.

Sunrise celebrates

you
and i
do too

I want to believe

that my life matters.

I want to believe that your life matters.

But actually I believe it's accidental.

I believe we make our own matter.

It never ceases to amaze me all the things that never cease to amaze me.

Like the moon when I see it.

I always gasp as though it is something new. I call a friend or two, Have you seen the moon?

They sigh, Oh!

And the way the buildings in the city, when seen from far, look as though they are painted across the sky.

And graffiti that looks like art.

And somebody else’s lips touching mine.

If I won the lottery tomorrow I wouldn’t change much. I wouldn’t buy a plane ticket. I wouldn’t quit my job.

But I would walk slower. I would memorize the bridge of your nose, the way it rises and slopes.

I would take nothing seriously and exalt it all.

Like the birds, the way they gather, as if being together is absolutely everything.

And then they go.

I walk,

because I struggle to say the thing I want to say.

This is nearly always the case, and sometimes it brings me to tears that no amount of contemplation, dedication, sincerity, desire will allow me to speak my gratitude for existence. I cannot, despite my ceaseless efforts, say thank you enough to that which brings me here, in this shape.

There is a gap between experience and expression.

But I have an insatiable desire to touch everything and then to exalt it aloud.

quiet

your

thoughts

and

let

your

heart

beat

the

tempo

of the story

I am good at leaving,

good at being left.

By good,

I mean practiced.

I was born into goodbye.

a perfect half moon

peeks in on me this morning
and i’m not going to lie:
she looks happy to see me

My People

Those with hearts wide open

Fast forever friends

Easy laughers

Loud voices who know when to be quiet and can sit silent with ease

The sleeve-roller-uppers

The what-needs-to-be-done-doers

Diplomatic, extroverted, truth-telling loners

Perspective seekers with smile lines and sharp minds

Compassion givers

Moon gazing skinny dippers

who take nothing personally but feel it all and

let it go

the cure

for

everything

is

a long walk

The sky isn't falling

until it is.

When it does, let it.

Make space in your sinews.

Be wide-eyed.

Watch.

The path to heaven

is not paved with piety
but riddled with
wildflowers and weeds.

Which is which?
A quandary.
Unknowable.

Don’t be good.
Be awake.

Want to be an expert at something you love?

Stop trying to be the smartest and the most renowned.

Be the greatest lover instead, the most curious and devoted.

Trade small certainties for absolute delight.

Don’t bore me

with your big ideas, grand schemes.

I want to see you on a Tuesday

when the only thing to eat

is broccoli, no vacation plans.

Can you make art from the most ordinary of days?

may i take this heartbreak,

this loneliness, this worry and fear

turn it into a beautiful thing

a useful thing

may i soften what is hard

may i turn it into art

me into art

Your father’s cell joined your mother’s cell and you became.

You did not need
a to-do list,
project manager,
motivational speaker
to grow
into a human,
yourself.

Life knows what to do.
This rule remains
even now.

Trust it.
Let breath
live you.

Go now

into the wild without map or breadcrumbs. Take no pictures. Don’t write. There is nothing to document. Just simple experience ~ darkness falling, crunching leaves and cold.

Morning moon above

perfectly bisected,
nearing her dark days.
“Life is short,” she reminds.
“No time to rush.”